THE RETIRED ZACKMO FILES

YOU HAVE ASKED ME AND I WILL TELL YOU

2008-04-30T17:51:00.010-05:00

Sometimes people who read my blog will ask me questions. I will try to start answering the questions that people ask me on here. For instance I was asked by my friends after they saw me talk about the house party what is some of the good music I would recommend. To start off, I heard this new voice on the radio that sounds like Feist. Feist is one of my all time favorites, but this other girl is not too bad, as far as "mainstream" stuff goes.

Sara Barreilles is 25 and has another album called "Careful Confessions" and it is pretty much slept on. You should buy her new album off of iTunes it's called "Little Voice." Her new single is on the radio sometime, but I don't know how because she's talking to the music industry and how she won't be confined to just write love songs. I think she looks like a girl who I would like to meet on JDate. I bet she's not actually Jewish but I am not either. Oh, well. I'll think of some more good music later and also answer more questions I've received.

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES

2008-04-28T19:31:00.011-05:00

Lil' Mama, 50 Cent, and The All-American Rejects were played add nauseous at this lame house party I went to. My friends dragged me with them to Jeff's house in Philly's version of "The Hills." Guess what Lil' Mama, 50 Cent, and The All-American rejects have in common? I hate them all. People seriously don't listen to good music anymore. I really wanted to put my iPod on "Party Shuffle" and plug it in to the stereo system so I could show them what's good. Whatever happened to the days when people weren't trying to pretend to be something else? None of these kids were black, ghetto, or had any reasons to be sad. The only person who had any real problems was this guy Mike who was mildly mentally handicapped. And you know what? He was the coolest guy there.

It's tricky

He was really nice and I could have a coherent conversation without a lot of slang or posturing. Most importantly, he wasn't trying to be ironic. I hate hipsters. You might say I kind of am like a hipster because I like stuff like 'Juno' but hey I just like what I like. I don't care. Anyway I was telling Mike (who probably is only just a little mentally handicapped) about my job at the Chamber and how I like to go to my friend's warehouse club on the weekends and he was showing me some dance moves. Some girls kind of laughed or smiled but I know they had to have been genuinely smiling when Run DMC's 'It's Tricky' came on. Me and Mike looked at each other and we both went "aaaaaww yeah!" at the same time. Now THAT'S a good rap song. Something stupid came on after that but while it played, the party was pretty fun.

I MIGHT AS WELL ADMIT IT

2007-11-15T00:28:00.002-06:00

Love is a jolt. Thankfully it's not lightning because then it would only strike once and when you see it you have to count until you hear it and then divide that by five. Some other tips I know are that when you lose your car keys, you should re-trace your steps. This is so true. Over the course of this week, I have been betting that I can re-find love by following my ex-girlfriend's steps. She likes Mummers Museum (boring), both Starbucks on Baltimore Pike, and shopping for groceries every other Tuesday of the month. The only one of these I've really incorporated into my routine is getting coffee at Starbucks in the mornings before work. It's not one of the ones on Baltimore Pike, but close.

Guess what? I think I have found love again. I didn't find my keys but maybe I found somebody else's that will fit my lock. Who knows! Love is a great and many-splendored thing. Love is a barista named Julie and Julie is sehr gut meine freund! That means she is "very good and funny." Julie says something witty to me every morning. It's like, I don't even need to buy a paper anymore because Julie is Dilbert meets Cathy and is a babe. This morning I felt extra out of it so I asked for a double shot. How did she respond? "Okay. Come closer so I can HIT you!"

Man.

When she said that, I'll admit it: I felt warm.

THIS DAY AND OTHERS

2007-11-11T00:34:00.002-06:00

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU PHILLY, BUT

2007-11-09T08:55:00.003-06:00

Today, Mr. Wiggington, one of the "higher-ups," got engaged and decided the whole Chamber should go to Barclay Prime, this restaurant half a mile down the street. Most of us went just to get out of the office, and only half of us ate anything substantial because of the cost. Anyway, Mr. Wiggington (the fiancé) and all his friends got these $100 dollar Kobe cheese steaks and all my other co-workers were SO AMAZED. It's just a regular cheese steak!, except they use Kobe beef, which is actually pretty cool. But this is in addition to weird cheese and other unnecessary ingredients like truffles and goose livers (gross & grossest).

Not worth $100.

Here's my beef with the thing: A.) It's stupid, B.) It sounds nasty, and C.) It's expensiveness is fraudulent. Most of the expense is for the bottle of champagne it's served with. What if McDonald's started selling $100 dollar Big Mac burgers served with ketchup made of gold? Whatever. Congratulations to Mr. Wiggington, and I hope he got his wife a really big ring or else she's going to be pissed that he loves sandwiches the most.

Not made with gold.

What else is happening in Greater Philly tonight...

Well, my friend Travis is taking this psychology class which he's been trying to "use" on me. Travis is the one whose dad bought him a club. I think the only thing he's learned about so far is the Oedipus complex, and I think he learned that from Wikipedia. I would have made a good rebuttal but I lost all my words when he tried saying that my misery stemmed from how similar my ex-girlfriend and my mom were.

Gross. And wrong.

The only thing my mother and ex-girlfiend have in common are their gold ankh medallions.

THE WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED MY HEART

2007-11-08T07:54:00.002-06:00

Before we get started, I have to tell you this story really quick about a fly that got in my apartment just now. I was laying on my bed talking to my mom about something grammy said to her, and this dumb fly just kept buzzing around the ceiling. My mom stopped her story five times to ask if I was okay because apparently I was making a "noise" every time I swatted at this PEST. I told her I was fine--there's just this dumb bug in my room that doesn't know how to do anything. It just kept flying into the mirror over and over. My bedroom is really quiet, so I put the phone up and my mom said she could hear it!

When I was younger, before middle school started, we used to have grill-outs on the 4th of July. Once, my dad was carrying in a big plate of burgers and franks from the patio and walked right into the sliding-glass door and everything fell! So that's what me and mom were laughing about tonight. My dad only made that mistake once, not like this stupid fly. Even if I was as dumb as a fly, I still can't see myself running into the same wall over and over again. I even jokingly said, "Hey, FLY. Stop that, you dummy. Go the OTHER WAY!"

On to more important business...

Dang it, I can't even remember exactly what I was going to blog about. Let's see, well, Control (the new Joy Division movie) should be coming here pretty soon, work was fine today and, oh yeah, my ex-girlfriend still hasn't called me back. I'm not even sure what to do at this point, whether I should just keep calling or try and forget about her. I'm afraid if I forget, then she'll definitely forget. I hope she never forgets; I won't. I can't.

Rest in Peace, asshole.

A VERY SPECIAL HIATUS

2007-11-07T09:45:00.002-06:00

Readers: You may have noted I've been gone for about a month. Well, I've just been riding on a one way ticket to love and back. I finally met a girl on OK Cupid who was compatible with me, who also liked me enough to go on a date with me. We actually went on a bunch of dates and it was "bananas" as one might say, undoubtedly. It was probably better than seeing New Order live or when my parents decided not to split, but that would be like comparing apples and PCs. She liked scary movies, was a double major in psychology and US politics, and had a symmetrical face like Denzel Washington's.

Anyway, you can guess that she eventually broke it off. I am now having a hard time getting over my girlfriend. My friends said that me calling her my girlfriend was what pushed her away, but I don't think that's true, for two reasons:

1.) Girls like guys who are committed.

2.) She said she didn't have the time that I deserved.

In a way, I have to be happy because, obviously, I was too special and she was mature enough to know it. I think she'll come back some day. I mean, I hope.

A CHANGE IN MY HEART (I KNOW WHO I ARE)

2007-10-04T01:46:00.004-05:00

This morning, I got to the train depot and took my iPod Video out of my purple Jansport backpack and moved it into my pants hip pocket. I have a purple backpack because my great aunt doesn't like to strengthen gender stereotypes, but has always called me her Little Royalty.

The train ride from my apartment to work takes about 35 minutes. I was listening to my iPod on "Party Shuffle"-mode when this Simon and Garfunkel song (The Boxer??) came on while I happened to be staring out into a sunny, early-October, Philadelphia morning. The rising sun lit up the skyline's silhouette with gentle splendor. Our train turned a curve and the high buildings receded, leaving the sun to hit me right in the eyes, forcing my gaze inward. I'm glad it did, because what I saw before me was a single mother, tying her son's little-boy shoes. Don't ask me how I knew she was single!

Well, either way, the point is: I got really nostalgic. I felt whimsical! I straightened up in my seat to take my iPod Video out of my hip pocket (where it's hardest to steal), went to the "Movies," and watched Feist's One, Two, Three, Four video several times in a row before I arrived at work. Today, at work, I read all my forwarded e-mails, and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for life. Things are really going good right now.

KANYE VERSES 50 CENT

2007-09-14T02:13:00.002-05:00

Well it seems that there was some sort of rap battle between two popular rappers. And a co-worker made me listen to the Kanye West CD all day yesterday, and I actually liked it some!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've had quite a lot of stuff to happen to me, some stuff that I should have blogged about. It involves girls, clubs, and money. If you don't watch out, before you know it, I'll be Jay-Z(ack)!

AN EXERCISE IN 3 PARTS

2007-08-29T16:29:00.002-05:00

1.) ABAB Rhyme Pattern
Today feels like Monday

but it is not.
Everyday is like Sunday
Do we rot?

2.) Free Form
If a monkey
couldn't have his banana
but that's what nature
says is so--
If I can't have Dianna
Should I even try
climbing trees?

3.) Haiku
What is the meaning (5)
of life if I cannot love? (7)
Today is Monday. (5)

If you think these were stupid that's fine because they are stupid and I'm not going back next Wednesday, nor am I going to be preparing all my dinners for a month in one night with a bunch of old women. There's Tombstone and Jack's for that already, thanks.

FOOD STAMPS

2007-08-25T22:08:00.002-05:00

Black people are definitely the funniest ones of all. I went to a new grocery store tonight for some spinach dip (party? who knows!), and as I was leaving so did this black couple. I suddenly heard this white tennage girl saying really loudly into her cellular phone, "WELL MICHAEL IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK OF ME THEN YOU NEED TO JUST SAY SO." And then I heard the black girl say to her black boyfriend, "Michael needs to be watchin him's self." It was pretty funny. Also, Delirious is definitely in the top twenty stand-up routines ever.

edit: The kids who were hitting me with cardboard tubes yesterday were laughing a lot but this does not count as any sort of proofs.

THERE ARE SOME JOKES I DON'T GET

2007-08-24T16:17:00.003-05:00

There are these groups on Facebook.com that say "I lost my phone and need new numbers." And everyone in my Facebook.com Newsfeed is always joining or leaving one of these kinds of groups. I think it's supposed to be a joke.

But what does it mean?

BLACK KIDS (WHAT A DAY)

2007-08-23T02:04:00.002-05:00

Going to the Wal-Mart Super Shopping Center on 1000 Easton was one of the most foolhardy decisions I made last week. This was ignorant because student move-in was happening and they were all shopping. Well, firstly I got a cart from a greeter and went to the frozen foods section for some pizzas and burritos (cheesy). For some reason, I was very sleepy and "out of it."

There were two guys at the end of the aisle I was leaving and I ducked my head down some when I had to pass between them. They looked like freshman, but the big kind with hats and one of them seemed to say "what's up."

I walked the next aisle pretty fast because it's just Lean Cuisines and junk but then those two guys were now at the end of THIS aisle. So I had to pass by again, hunkered down some, but I guess since I'm so tall that when I slouch it looks like I'm just trying to get closer to people, but I'm not.

And so the one guy says "what's up, Logan." (I'm not Logan?) The guy's buddy asked him what he was doing and the guy says "I'm saying what's up to Logan." I ended up passing all the aisles straight to the cottage cheeses and then checked out. So that was really weird and I was walking home thinking about what Logan's look like and that was the second worst thing to happen while getting groceries.

What Google Image Search says "Logan" looks like.

The first place worst thing that happened to me while getting groceries was this: I was about two blocks away from my apartment and these middle school black kids were playing b-ball near a dumpster. They noticed me and started walking over to me and they all had these cardboard tubes they were carrying.

I tried to speed up a little but that seemed to get them more excited and before I knew it they were beating on my head and my body with their tubes and my hands were full with grocery bags and I couldn't defend myself so I had to run all the way home and I felt like a turd. It sucked really bad. I don't know what was up with those kids. Maybe they thought I was that Logan guy or something.

ZACKMOST FAMOUS (HA HA)

2007-08-15T01:17:00.002-05:00

The first time I met John F. Street, Mayor of Philadelphia, I was riding the elevator at work and he got on there with some of his assistants and they were asking him if the Rolling Stones were ever going to play Philly like they did at Live 8. He was kind of nervous sounding when he said the Stones were too busy right now probably and chuckled. I really like the Rolling Stones and have a Rolling Stones box set.

After the mayor said the Rolling Stones weren’t coming to play in Philly he assured the guys that Beyonce would probably be coming sometime soon and they chuckled because I guess she’s a City Hall favorite and I think my sister definitely has appendicitis. When is New Order going to come to Philadelphia is what I would have asked the mayor or if he had any tips for me.

HAVE I EVER MET A CELEBRITY? YES I HAVE

2007-08-14T00:10:00.002-05:00

My sister might have appendicitis because I was telling her about the symptoms from when I had it and she got quiet. And speaking of things that happen in 2's I forgot to mention that I’ve met the Mayor of Philadelphia 2 times now. My most recent meeting with the Mayor occurred when I bought my iPhone.

Mayor John F. Street walked into the AT&T store and addressed everyone and said, Hey is this the new iPhone thing? but I had read that he had been there already the day before since 3AM and lots of people were mad at him because the city's murder rate was still high, so none of it really added up. Whenever I see the Mayor of Philly anywhere like in life or just on t.v. it makes me feel like I'm in a comic book movie. I’ll tell about my other time tomorrow.

If you or a loved one show signs of appendicitis, please,
e-mail me and I can tell you about my sister.

I'VE GOT TO ADMIT IT'S GETTING BETTER

2007-08-13T19:46:00.002-05:00

There’s been one girl to 'woo' me on

With any luck I'll have more details to post soon.

Also did you hear the news about Arby's and Wendy's?

MY SISTER IS SLEEPING HERE

2007-08-13T00:37:00.003-05:00

My sister just told me she is going to visit me next week and she has pretty bad credit so I am going to let her have my old television set because I will be buying a new one soon anyway and besides I bought an iPhone so while I am without a television that should take up some of my time. So I'll be browsing up a storm on there and No I wasn’t one of those guys who stayed up all night to buy one, though I bought it on the day after it came out. I just went to the AT&T store in Center City and they were in stock.

BERNARD SUMNER, EXTRA LARGE PEPPERONI

2007-08-12T17:26:00.002-05:00

Well, I bought the New Order box set today and then went home and listened to it on my hi-fi when my phone rang but it was just a telemarketer but I didn't hang up right away because he was pretty nice and then I ordered an extra large pizza as it was Friday and it will last me through the whole weekend and later on I will check my OKCupid.com account and see if any of my woo's have been responded to.